Chapter 16 (continued)

But she wasn't sure where she was. She sat in the passenger seat of the car, but felt like she was just a passenger in her own life. The distance in her family had been a fleeting feeling before, random thoughts late at night after her parents had been fighting when she asked herself who she'd stay with if her parents divorced. Those are the quiet questions you ask in the dark, they're not supposed to come to light. Her answer had always been, unequivocally, her mother. It wasn’t based so much on her closeness to her mother, or her lack of proximity to her father.

The way he used the funeral planning to keep her and Mitch away was systematic of everything he did. She couldn't imagine being Mitch, having to live in that environment now. It made her want to lash out. Made her want to cry. Made her want to scream. Such a terrible accident shouldn't fill her with feelings of hate for her own father, the only parent she had left, but that's what was happening. She couldn't help it, and it also filled her with an equally awful guilt.

Sedgewick sat in the driver's seat, quietly steering the car down the highway, back towards the downtown campus. He didn't know what to do or say. He could see Allison slipping in the seat next to him. Her internal struggle was visible in her face, in her distant green eyes. But Sedgewick had his own hurts, his own palpable feelings that came rushing back to him at the funeral, full of sadness yearning to overcome any possible sense of joy. It left him speechless.

The car finally pulled into the campus parking lot and Sedgewick shifted to park and shut the car off. As if the silence couldn't get any louder, it did. Neither of them moved.

Sedgewick sat there biting his lip, glancing around and taking a peek at Allison every few moments. She stared mindlessly out the window, her eyes red and bloodshot, a tear occasionally dripping down her cheek.

"Do you—do you want to go throw—throw rocks, down at the river?"

A moan escaped her lips, a painful sob that faded as quickly as it came. She squeezed her eyes shut and the tears flowed. She dropped her head into her hands and cried and cried.

Sedgewick's mouth hung open. He ran a hand through his hair and reached the other hand out to Allison, reaching first for her hand, then for her shoulder, then stopping midair and retreating, then reaching out again for her shoulder.

"Allison… I just… I don't… I…" He couldn't find the words, anywhere.

Allison's hands fell to her pants and she wiped the salty tears away. She looked out the window, away from Sedgewick, her eyes closed.

"I can't do this." Her voice didn't waver. It was filled with an incredible strength, a strength backed with anger and grief. In one movement she unbuckled her seatbelt, opened the door and got out of the car.

The door slammed shut, shaking the whole car and leaving Sedgewick sitting there with his mouth gaping open. He sat there in a daze, still watching her go, walking down the sidewalk away from him. It took him a moment to shake the shock away, and then he grabbed the keys, unbuckled his own seat belt and took off after her.

It was midday on a college campus, the sidewalks crowded with people, heading this way and that, off to class and work and back again. Allison walked resolutely through the crowd, her fists clenched and arms wrapped around herself.

Sedgewick ran, trying to catch up, through the crowds. The crowd thinned out a bit as Allison followed the path between two dorms, a grassy stretch extending on either side of the path between the buildings with a few trees and students scattered about.

"Allison!" She didn't stop. He closed the final few paces and grabbed her shoulder. She finally stopped. Her teeth were clenched, her fists were tight, and her eyes were hard.

Sedgewick still didn't have words to say. His eyes were filled with them, filled with love and beginning to well with tears of his own.

"What?" she demanded. Her voice trembled with the same anger, but the grief rang out as well.

"I know," was all Sedgewick could say, in his own quiet, hurt voice.

"You know? You know!" Allison's eyes overflowed. She swallowed the lump in her throat. "How can you know? How can you possibly know? You're some tragic hero with all the answers, and what am I?"

"I don't have—don't have all the answers, I…"

"No, you don't have my answers." She turned to go, overwhelmed at the depth of her feelings, at the sharpness of her own words. In the smallest way lashing out sparked something inside.

Sedgewick stood there a moment, his mind and heart reeling, then he reached out again. He took Allison by the shoulder and turned her around. She didn't resist. He looked in her eyes, then wrapped his arms around her. Then she exploded. Her clenched fists flew, lashing out at the air and Sedgewick. She landed three, four, five punches in his chest and stomach. He gasped for breath and started buckling over, but he kept his arms around her, holding her, hugging her. These weren't weak punches, lessened by emotion and grief, but were full force, fueled by anger and sadness and every bitter emotion that filled Allison's wounded heart.

People started looking up and watching the scene, heads turning and conversations dwindling to a stop.

Another punch and Sedgewick's arms fell from Allison, freeing her from the awkward embrace. He looked into those green eyes, and though he didn't have her answers, didn't have the words to say to make anything okay, he recognized what he saw in those eyes. And he loved her.

She threw one last punch, hard and direct with her right hand that landed squarely on Sedgewick's jaw. His head whipped to his right and he staggered back. Pain seared through Allison's fist and she walked away, tears streaming down her face. Students watched with eyes wide and mouths open.

Sedgewick watched her go, reaching up tenderly to feel his swelling lip. He could taste the blood.