November 29, 2006
Chapter 24
(Filed under: The Novel)Anwyn walked into Howe High School on Monday morning with a new smile. She still had to face the many whispers and odd looks that were still circulating the school after her encounter with Dominic last week. But she didn't care.
"Hey," Anwyn said to Lynn when she walked into Mr. Craven's biology class.
"Hey yourself, cemetery girl," Lynn said.
"That's a fun new story to add to the rumor mill," Anwyn said.
"I thought so," Lynn replied. "You won't let me torture Dominic, so I've got to have some fun somehow."
"I think Dominic's probably had enough," Anwyn said. "We'll end up touching off some kind of Capulet vs. Montague feud if we're not careful."
"And then your grandchildren will fall in love with each other and slip into some murder-suicide pact," Lynn said.
"My family's got the suicide part covered," Anwyn said with a weak smile.
"Is that a little weird to joke about?" Lynn asked, suddenly a little uneasy.
"No, it's OK," Anwyn said. "I don't want anyone walking on eggshells around me."
"It's a little late for that," Lynn said.
"Well, I don't need my friends walking on eggshells," Anwyn said.
"Good, because I don't think I can just give up all suicide jokes."
Anwyn smiled and felt how strange it was to be laughing and smiling about all of this. A week ago she was stewing in it. She remembered months and months ago it just nagged at her, alternating between remorse for not feeling bad and just forgetting about the whole thing. It would come back to her mind and she'd feel bad for not feeling bad.
Ms. Jonas, the counselor in St. Paul, kept telling her it was OK to feel however she felt. They were only emotions and that was just how she reacted. What was more important was what she chose to do with those emotions.
That comment never made much sense to Anwyn. Until Grandpa Frank told her what really happened to Lily and she realized that Grandpa Frank has been putting that idea into practice his entire life. He probably had incredible emotions, crippling emotions, but he didn't choose to wallow in them. Not that someone like Grandpa Frank would be likely to wallow in his emotions. Nobody would expect him to sit around and cry, but it wouldn't be surprising if he developed a temper or a thick, sarcastic edge. He could have developed any number of unhealthy coping mechanisms to help him deal with the overwhelming feelings of pain, betrayal and loss surrounding Lily's suicide.
And nobody would have blamed him. It just would have been the explanation. Why is Grandpa Frank so surly? His wife committed suicide and left him all alone with two kids. The person asking the question would grow suddenly silent and nod in agreement as they thought over how they'd feel if their loved one killed themselves. Almost any type of anti-social behavior could at least be understood with those kind of circumstances.
"But do you really want people just understanding your situation and stepping back?" Ms. Jonas had asked in one of their sessions. "It would create incredible distance in your life. No one would be close to you. I imagine that's the kind of loneliness Isabelle must have felt for whatever reason, and if you respond to her death in that way you'll just be repeating her mistakes."
At the time Anwyn just nodded and pulled at a loose thread hanging off her shoe.
But now it clicked.
Grandpa Frank didn't become a surly and bitter old man. Instead he overflowed with life and joy and hope. He loved to laugh and loved to enjoy life. In the end if you knew Grandpa Frank at all you had to wonder why on earth anyone so close to him would have wanted to kill themselves. His outlook on life could overcome so much.
And that made Anwyn wonder even more what Grandpa Frank had been like before Lily died. Was her suicide the cause of his incredible jovialness? Anwyn couldn't imagine her Grandpa not being her Grandpa, but also seemed impossible that Lily could have done what she did being married to a man like Grandpa Frank.
But that begged the question of why Lily did it, and it was the same unanswerable question as why Isabelle did it. It wasn't a road worth going down.
Mr Craven walked up to the chalkboard and Anwyn came back from her thoughts and started writing her notes.
She had changed for gym class and was coming out of the locker room when Dominic Warren came out of the men's locker room at the exact same moment. They walked out in step with one another and instinctively turned to acknowledge each other's presence when their eyes met.
Dominic stopped walking. Anwyn did a double take and then stopped as well.
"Oh," she said. "Hi."
"Hi," Dominic said, quieter and less sure of himself. They started walking again.
"Look," Anwyn said, after they had crossed the free throw line. "I'm sorry about last week. I just reacted. My sister had been on my mind and it was driving me a little nuts. I just snapped and you had the unfortunate position of being there when I snapped."
"I'll live," Dominic said.
"And you know, you were right," Anwyn said.
"I was?" Dominic asked.
"Yeah, Isabelle could be a bitch sometimes." By now they had reached the huddle of their classmates gathered around Mr. Graves and awaiting the instructions for the day. More than a few students gave Anwyn and Dominic odd looks, wondering why they were talking to one another and still standing next to each other. Even Mr. Graves noticed and paused for a second when his eyes came to them. But he quickly glanced down at his clipboard and started barking instructions.
He clapped his hands and the crowd of students started sauntering off toward the door to make the warm up lap around the school. It seemed like every gym teacher had some sort of elaborate warm up routine where the class would have to run a specified route. Even back in St. Paul Anwyn remembered having to run around the backstop, out to the foul pole, across the field to a tree and then across the bus circle and back to the gym. In Howe High School it was a little less elaborate and just meant running around the school. Every now and then they'd have to do an extra leg around the football field, and that was the path they had to run today.
Just like when they ran the mile the class spread out, the faster runners taking off and leading the way then the class spreading out with a clump of the slower runners jogging together. Anwyn often found herself near the front and today she found herself taking the lead and breaking away from her classmates.
Just as she was enjoying the air and the smell of the grass she realized someone was coming up beside her. It was Dominic.
"Well hi again," Anwyn said between breaths.
"Hey," Dominic said. They jogged in silence for a minute or two, passing the windows of the cafeteria.
"I wanted to apologize, too," Dominic said. They slowed their pace a little so they could talk easier, but they were still far ahead of their other classmates. They both ran enough that even a slow warm up pace was much faster than the rest of the class. "I shouldn't have said that about your sister. I had no idea what happened to her."
"You didn't know," Anwyn said. "It's OK."
"I had pretty strong memories about her," Dominic said, visibly wincing. "I'm sure you heard the rumors."
"Oh yeah," Anwyn said. "I guess I’m not the first one to do that to you."
"I guess it runs in the family," Dominic said.
"I don't think so," Anwyn said. "I think we make of ourselves what we will. It just happens that Isabelle and I are more alike than we care to admit."
"I hope not too alike," Dominic said, "for your sake."
"I don't think you'll have to worry about that," Anwyn said.
"That's good." They jogged on in silence, pulling away from the high school and making a loop around the football field.
"Do you miss her?" Dominic asked.
"Yes," Anwyn said. "And no. We never got along that well."
"Siblings are like that," Dominic said.
"Do you have brothers or sisters?" Anwyn asked.
"Two brothers and a sister."
"And do you get along?"
"Yes and no," Dominic said. "Times three." They both smiled.
"I get along the best with my sister, but she's also the youngest," Dominic said. "We have less to fight about. I'm not likely to steal her Barbie and she's not likely to play my video games. We stay out of each other's way and that makes it a lot easier to get along."
"It also makes it harder to be close," Anwyn said, knowing what it was like when her mother stayed out of her way.
"I suppose," Dominic said. "I think it'd be tough to lose any of them."
"You find a way to deal," Anwyn said. They were running away from the football field and back towards the gym. The warm up was almost over.
"You're pretty fast," Dominc said as they reached the gym and slowed to a walk. "You should join the track team."
"That's what they tell me," Anwyn said. "I think Mr. Graves ordered a uniform for me already."
"So you'll do it?" Dominic asked.
"Yeah," Anwyn said. "I haven't told him yet, but I will. I prefer cross country, but I guess I'll take what I can get."
"So are we cool?" Dominic asked.
"Cool?" Anwyn said. "Yeah, we're cool." Dominic smiled at her and walked away, going to ask Mr. Graves a question. Anwyn watched him go. He had a certain handsome appeal. She could see what Isabelle had seen in him. But he was also cocky. Anwyn thought being kneed in the groin by multiple girls might do something to tone down the cockiness, but apparently not.
As he walked away Anwyn realized she still didn't get anything about Isabelle out of Dominic. But she also didn't care.
Then she smiled, realizing that the one thing she would still care to know about was how Isabelle got her hands on Dominic's underwear the night they played truth or dare. That remained a mystery and even though her and Dominic were now "cool," she didn't think she'd be asking him anytime soon. And he wasn't likely to volunteer the information.
Posted by kevin at November 29, 2006 6:51 PM
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